Sometimes It Takes A Lot of Snow and COLD to Clear Your Head!

So, I am suffering from post New Year's blues. I admit it. I placed a lot of excitement in the New Year and frankly, it came and went with an....EGH. So, I have been in a funk for days. Not really sure what happened, but it came and I have not fared well. So, today was an especially sad day and I really couldn't take it. I went to my training appointment as I usually do on Mondays, and it literally took all I had not to have a total breakdown in front of Todd, again. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence for poor Todd and I PROMISED myself I wasn't going to do it in front of him again!! Call it a New Year's resolution if you must, but I was done being his "Sally Sap" client! So, I left the gym barely in tact and proceeded to make my day so horrible, that by the time I went back to the gym to do my cardio, I was a wreck! I got through it just in time to run into Todd, who had no idea I was teetering on the verge of a major breakdown, and he gave me a high 5 and went on his merry way. That was it. I left the gym and proceeded to make the decision to take a "break" from my training with him until I could get myself together. This seemed like a completely reasonable answer to my "pickle". So before I could think clearly, I sent him a text explaining my desperate need for a "break", and sent it before I knew what I was doing.

And off I went to go back to work, with lead in my heart. Soon, I get a call. Well, I wasn't prepared for a rapid response, so I answered and asked if I could call him back later. He was confused to say the least. So, I hung up and scrambled to try to find some sort of reasonable explanation for my erratic behavior. I then received a text: I am waiting for you to have a break so we can talk about this. Uh Oh.....

So, I put my client under the dryer and dialed. He answered right away. I totally didn't know what to say, so I asked him to forget I ever sent it. And then I tried (in between sobs) to explain. The reason I tell this tale of complete lunacy, is I was given some amazing advice, from someone who probably should have given up on me long ago, but never has. He said, "I truly believe that in this journey you are on, your hardest obstacle will never be your weight, your food issues or the amount of working out you accomplish. I know without a shadow of a doubt, your hardest obstacle is your firm belief that you don't deserve to be happy. You have worked so hard to stay in the shadows, and not let yourself hope for happiness, that it has become en grained in your soul, that you don't deserve the same God given rights every human being has to be happy. You can re-write your chalk board here. You can be anyone you want to be and you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, if you will just give yourself permission to live the life you desire." (A lot more crying occurred after he told me these things)

But, it totally hit me at the core. He is right. I have done that for so long, that I don't know how to just be. I am always trying to figure out where the other shoe is, that will inevitably drop. I cannot fathom that I can actually have the life I so desperately desire, and until I start to believe it, I don't have a chance to succeed. I am so close to being free of this albatross of weight, I can taste it and if I don't work on my mindset it will all be for nothing. I have a LOT of work to do and it isn't at the gym. So, the moral of this complicated tale....NEVER send a text you have no idea what the ramifications will be. You might get more "Food for Thought" than you were ready to eat. I am so lucky to have someone who continues to fight for me even when I've given up on myself. Everyone should have a Todd. I tread on....

The 13 Year Curse Is Broken.....So They Tell Me :)

So....went out for New Year's. Such fun! Well, what I can recall of it. I am ashamed to admit it, but I started out doing really well and then about 11:00pm to about 3:00am is...a total blank. OK, I enjoy a beverage called a Long Island Iced Tea. I know it packs a wallop, but usually I don't have that many. And, in my defense, I ONLY remember 2 of what I had, so, you will imagine my surprise when I woke up in my bed fully dressed @ 3am, wondering how in the crap I got there! I know, I can't believe I am even sharing this, because most of you will probably think I am a total drunk, but I only indulge on certain occasions and I was celebrating my accomplishments! So, when I woke up again at 11:00 am and found almost all of my belongings strewn around my house, I called my friends Kate and Amy to try to piece together the rest of my evening. (My mother, sadly, also had a bit to share of my homecoming!)

I apparently still continued to have a good time long after it was registering in my brain, and I was smart enough to go with good friends who watched out for me, even when my judgment was a wee bit impaired. Someday, if you want the full story, you'll have to call me because it is too humiliating to write down to post forever on my blog! The reason I even bring it up, is because my "Wingman" Chris, (Kate's brother-in-law) came through with his offer and I was kissed @ midnight! The 13 year curse was ended!! Yeah!! Here's the problem.....notice the time frame of my brain amnesia. I don't remember it in the slightest! Damnit!! So....Happy New Year to me! I tread on.....Here are a few pics, I took before I lost it completely!!

This is Amy and Michael, who stopped letting me order liquor and held my water so I wouldn't keep spilling it. She also made sure I paid my bill correctly and tipped appropriately. Thank goodness!!

This is Kate and her husband AJ. They safely got me home and made sure I figured out how to put my key in the door and didn't let me fall in the rose bushes. So embarrassing!!

These are some of my gym pals and clients @ the salon who got to witness all my glory moments! Oh My Lord!!

Yes, I am wearing my Eddie Bauer Sweater again! I love it and I love that I got to buy it in the first place, so I am wearing the crap out of it, until it is too big!! :)

Me and "The Smoocher" Chris. He is hilarious and I hope he is still speaking to me. I also had to apologize to a few of my friends for some interesting text messages I sent in that time frame as well. UGH.

What's On My HAPPY List Today??

1. My friend Misty is back in my life! She is truly wonderful and a breath of fresh air in my world and I am so happy I found her again!!
2. FACEBOOK!! It is the coolest, most rockin' thing ever and I can't believe how much fun it is and how many wonderful people it has brought back into my life!
3. My Tanita Scale. I know it's weird, but it is so freakin' accurate and it measures my water, bone and fat weight too, so I know exactly where I am at. (Sad, but it's true--I LOVE IT!)
4. My Bodybugg. Again, I know you are thinking, this girl has no life, but it helps me so much and takes the guesswork out of what is happening with my calorie intake. (Again, SAD.)
5. C.O. Bigelow Lipgloss. Again made the top 10, because it is truly a staple for this girl's lips!
6. Naps. I love naps so much and I don't get to take them very often, I treasure them.
7. My new absolutely GORGEOUS cashmere scarf I got at Banana Republic for a screamin' good price, because I waited until after Christmas to get it! LOVE!!
8. My puppies Zoey and Sophie. They are so sweet and so naughty and I am crazy about them!
9. My dear pal Andrea from Rhode Island called me out of the blue today and made me laugh so hard, I peed a little! I miss her so!!
10. Quilts. There is nothing more satisfying than finishing up a quilt filled with love and folding it up to be wrapped for someone I adore! Here is my latest creation....I made it for my trainer Todd, because he has done so much for me and frankly, has put up with all of my emotional nonsense and is still speaking to me! :)

These are a few of my favorite things!!

I tread on...

The FINAL Weigh In Of 2008.....AHHHHH.

Oh my Lord. It has been quite a year. I knew this was coming, but honestly, I've been so focused on this date or that one or this event...you get the picture, that it escaped me. So, today, I got up and did my usual get ready for the gym thing, and then I weighed and measured and Todd said,

"This is it." I didn't understand.

"This is what?"
"The last of 2008." Oh WOW.
Honestly, it didn't really hit me until I got out to the car and those words sank in. I have been doing 2 a days since September with this day in mind...and I forgot. I just started to weep. I was just so filled with gratitude and overwhelming relief, I couldn't contain it any longer. I must have looked like a complete nut case, but I honestly didn't care. This moment was a culmination of 18 months of blood, sweat and billions of tears, and I just needed a moment to let me let it sink in. 146 lbs. ago, I was pretty much resolved that I wasn't going to have any sort of happily ever after, because I couldn't do what it would physically or mentally take to make it happen. I was going to simply exist as long as the Lord saw fit to keep me here, and then...who knows? Now, please know I am not trying to sound as pathetic as it is coming out, but really, that was what was in my head. I had gone to that place and had determined that my life was going to be about serving others and my needs, well, let's just say I didn't even realize what they were because I was never going to be able to have the life I wanted in that body. Period. And then, I went on my dream cruise and met the cutest Romanian man I had ever dared to dream of and I came home determined to see him again....smaller. Whatever that size could be.

That day changed my life forever. Now, I am still friends with my Romanian (as I like to call him), but my dream of seeing him again never manifested itself. However, he truly changed my life, by giving my heart something I hadn't let in in a long time....hope. Ridiculous as it sounds, Alex gave me hope that I could have something good, and that lit a fire in me that has been burning brightly ever since. I had no idea in a million years where my life would go on from there, but thank goodness I had that dream when I did, because this year has kicked me hard every time I turned around, and sometimes the only thing in my life that was routine, was exercise. I used to laugh at that sometimes at the irony of it all. But, this downer story has a happy ending...at least for 2008. I weigh 209 lbs. today and I was measured all over this sagging body and lost significant inches, as well. I am now living my dream of shopping off the rack, I am living my life, not just existing, and I am determined to get to my goal weight and have a life that I can smile with honest to goodness SATISFACTION and someday, maybe I'll just find my Romanian and hug the stuffing out of him to thank him for inadvertently giving me my life back. (Maybe a little smooch too, who knows:) All I know is when the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, it will the first minute of a new year I am excited to see what happens next. I am so grateful for all the lessons I take with me from 2008. They have made me grow up a lot and realize I am worth the fight. To all the people that are in my life, have come into my life, or have popped back into my life.....Thank you for all the love, joy and laughter you bring to this girl's world. I am lost without you. Happy New Year.

I tread on.....

Look What I Got From Santa....Whoot Woo!!

So, I was opening my Christmas presents this year and I hadn't really asked for anything, because I really didn't need much. When you are a single gal with no kids....well let's just say if this Chica wants something....I go and buy it. I know it is a little selfish, but WHATEVER!! :) Anyhoo, we were all gathered to open presents and I opened this!! What the?? Now, I have wanted a Wii forever, because I am a total electronic nut, but I really couldn't justify it in my head, because I am a single gal and would I play the Wii to make it worth it?? Also, it seems to be the "Tickle Me Elmo" gift of the new millennium and I didn't want to exert the energy needed to get one. So, I was SHOCKED no STUNNED when Santa brought me one!! So fun!! AND, my electronic guru brother in law was here at the time so he set it right up for me. THEN....I opened my other big box and I found this!! WHAT?? I totally wanted the Wii Fit because I could actually use it to work out and the fit games would be fun and I would be able to burn calories!! WHOOT WOO!! I couldn't believe it!! First of all...who am I?? Secondly...Why am I excited about a fitness game? Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. But, here's the magical part of my story. This was the real "PINCH ME" moment of the night. I have always been the girl that has to look immediately at the weight limit of any activity or piece of furniture or ride....etc. to make sure I will be able to do it and most of the time....I can't. There is a weight limit on the Wii Fit and for a split second my heart dropped as it does when I read these words. But, when the sadness fog cleared, I actually read the weight limit and....DRUM ROLL PLEASE!! I am 118 lbs.LIGHTER than the limit!! I literally burst into tears. I am officially free of the weight limit demons and I can do almost ANYTHING this girl wants to do. It is truly a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!! I am so happy and feel so blessed for that moment, I will treasure this Christmas for as long as I live. I feel a little like Dr. King. I was screaming in my head...."Thank God Almighty I'm Free At Last!!" This year has been a roller coaster ride of emotions, and this last week alone has been a real kick in the...you know, but for all the bad, there has been an overload of good and I am left with this huge sense of gratitude for all the lessons I've learned and all the blessings I've received. So, as I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, I hope my dear sweet friends know (new, old past and re found) how blessed I am to have you in my life. How I cherish the time we get t spend together. That I love and adore all of you so much. And, how I look forward to spending time with you in 2009. Thank you doesn't seem adequate to express what my friends bring to my life. You help me focus, gain perspective, fill voids that would otherwise crush my spirit, make me laugh until I pee a little and touch my heart until tears flow freely. My life would be an empty shell without my friends and I love you. Merry Christmas everyone. May 2009 bring love, peace, happiness, health and prosperity to you and your families and may we be able to spend more time together in the new year. God bless us, everyone. I tread on....

He Looks Nice Right??

So this is my friend Todd. He looks like a nice guy right? Well, he is....most of the time. But, I am now learning that when Todd "invites" me to a class he is running....I should run!! He is my trainer at 24 hr. Fitness and I got a cute text from him Friday inviting me to a little class at the gym Sunday @ 11:30 am. He said it would be fun....he lied. I was invited to....

BOOT CAMP!

This is a little what it looked like. Picture little old me.....SWEATING and my heart racing to about 1000 beats per minute to the soundtrack of Top Gun. The visual alone, makes me giggle now a little. I made it through, barely and I really haven't been able to sit down since. Has anyone reading this ever done a "Burpie", "Mountain Climbers" or a "Hello Dolly"? These are ridiculous activities thought up by the military to build up your heart. Interestingly enough, it affected my butt. Read between the lines people! I was not made to do walking lunges across a hard wood floor with my arms straight up in the air while Kenny Loggins is singing...."Playing with the Boys!"

It's just not right. I tread on... :)

So....What's New??

I am having the WEIRDEST week! Ups and Downs and topsy turvy. I know I've explained in previous posts my inability to control my emotions as of late, because of the whole "no cheeseburgers and fries" existence I am living, but this is ridiculous. One minute I am crying, the next laughing and I've lost count how many times I've fallen into the "Pit of Despair". So, really nothing should surprise me these days. I was mistaken. The snow.....who knew?? It has thrown me over the edge! I can't take it!! The trauma of worrying about the latest storm and what ICE lies beneath waiting to take me down! My clients have all forgotten how to drive in it and have scattered into the woodwork waiting for the spring thaw. I don't want to leave my house. I just want to stay home and stay safe. It is truly maddening!! I am not completing ANY of my Christmas errands and it is DECEMBER 17th people!! What has happened to me? I walk around like an old woman, desperately afraid I am going to fall down. Truly ridiculous. I drove the other night out to dinner with a friend and she mentioned she could walk there quicker!! It is like I've been taken over by a 90 year old woman and my senses have completely left me! Again I say....what the?? I have no explanation for this phenomena, but it must stop, or I will have to move away from this arctic tundra!! I just watched the weather and felt a little nauseous, because this whole week leading up to Christmas is supposed to be snowy. I need help. I tread on.....This is what I apparently will be treading with.....I've become a wuss. Sad.